October 15, 1959
(Letter to Mother from Satprem)
Rameswaram, October 15, 1959
Here are two or three things that might interest you:
1) X spoke to me again of the war without my asking anything. He repeated, “There will be war,” and he again spoke of an attack on India by China...
2) X spoke to me of the Ashram's financial difficulties and said, “I shall tell you the secret why there are such difficulties.” I think he is going to speak to me today or tomorrow. In any case, he told me that he was working (“I am preparing”...) to change these conditions, and he asked me if there had been any improvement as yet. I replied that I did not believe the situation had changed very much. He spoke as well of certain people in the Ashram, but I will tell you about this in person. He had a rather amusing way of speaking about people, “people who pretend to worship the Mother but who keep their mind as a dustbin!”
7) X wants to send me back to Pondicherry this Sunday (Sunday the 18th, arriving Monday the 19th morning). He says it is useless for me now to remain here any longer since his house is not ready and he can do nothing. But, he said, “I will have you come to my house for 3 months and I shall give you a training by which you can know Past, Present and Future, and have the same qualifications as me”!
8) He gave me certain methods to follow, about which I shall speak to you in person.
Sweet Mother, I have such a yearning for everything in my consciousness to harmonize and for the tantric discipline, the japa, etc., not to separate me from you. I want to be your child, open to you, without any contradictions. I would like so much to find your almost physical Presence within me again, as before. May all be clear, pure, one.
I would wish to be like Sujata, completely transparent, your child with her at your feet. Mother, help me. I need you. Sujata is healing something that was very painful in me, as though it were flayed or wounded, and which threw me into revolt. With this calming influence, I would like to begin a new life of self-giving. This change of residence is for me like the symbol of another change. Oh, Mother! may the painful road be over, and may all be achieved in the joy of your Will.