March 21, 1961
Last night I had two consecutive experiences showing with extreme precision that black magic is at the root of all this [Mother is speaking of both general and personal difficulties, in the Ashram and in her body].
First of all, on the mental plane (the physical-mind, the material mind) I saw an individual.... I am not entirely certain of his identity (when I saw him last night I didn't associate him with anyone in particular) but from his outer appearance he is evidently a sannyasi. He was pursuing me, blocking my way and trying to stop me from doing my work (it was a long, long affair). But I was very conscious and could foresee everything he was about to do, so it had no effect. After a long while I emerged from this – I had something else to do and I left – and on my way home he was everywhere, hiding and trying to catch me; but he didn't succeed in doing anything. And I knew he had been acting in this manner for a long time.
Then I woke up (I always wake up three or four times during the night) and when I went back to bed I had an attack of what the doctor and I have taken to be filariasis – but a strange type of filariasis, for as soon as I master it in one spot it appears in another, and when I master it there it reappears somewhere else. Last night it was in the arms (it lasted quite a while, between 2:30 and 4 a.m.); but I was fully conscious, and each time the attack came, I went like this (gestures over the arms, to drive away the attack) and my arms were not affected at all. When it was over, I consciously entered the most material subtle physical, just beyond the body. I was sitting in “my room” there (an immense, cubic room) reading or writing something, when I heard the door open and close, but I was busy and didn't pay attention, presuming it was one of the people usually around me. Then suddenly I had such an unpleasant sensation in my body that I raised my head and looked, and I saw someone there. Do you know how the magicians in Europe dress, in short satin breeches and a shirt?... He was wearing something like that. He was Indian, tall and rather dark, with slicked-down hair – what you would normally call a “handsome young man.” He seemed to have been “drawn”1 there because he was standing in front of me staring into space, not looking at me. And the moment I saw him, there was the same sensation in all my cells as I have with what I've been calling filariasis (it's a special, minute kind of pain) and simultaneously all the cells felt disgust – a tremendous will of rejection. Then I sat up straight (I didn't stand up) and said to him as forcefully as possible, How do you dare to come in here! I said it so loudly that the noise woke me up! I don't know what happened then, but things went much better afterwards.
The moment I saw this person I knew he was only an instrument, but a well-paid instrument – someone paid a great deal to have him do that! I would recognize him again among hundreds... I can still see him... I see him more clearly than with physical eyes. He is an unintelligent man with no personal animosity, merely a very well-paid instrument – someone is hiding behind him, using him as a screen.
Before that experience, as part of the attack, I also got a sore throat. I didn't believe it would manifest, but around 9:30 this morning when I came downstairs for meditation with X,2 it did. It's nothing at all, though. The whole time I was with X (and even before, when I was waiting for him), it was halted completely – everything in that room came to a halt. It started up again only after he left and I came here. But it's nothing.
X told me he has been doing something for me in his puja3 – since December, it seems – so this morning I thought he should know about the experience and I sent Amrita to tell him. He replied to Amrita that this confirmed his certainty that Z has been making black magic against me since December. He had been told that Z was practicing black magic in Kashmir. Could this be the same person I saw before [during the December 1958 attack]? Since it was someone who concealed his identity, I can't say – but this form was robed as a sannyasi. Perhaps it's he, I don't know. I reserve my judgment because I don't know personally. But this is what X said, and he's going to redouble his efforts.
That's the situation.
I had a talk with the doctor this morning and he told me, “In fact, your case of filariasis has some symptoms missing and others that don't normally exist.” He was a bit perplexed because it's impossible for him to understand what it might be if it's not filariasis. I said that perhaps (because as I told you, I did have filariasis some years ago, but brought it under control) perhaps it's being used as a base for this attack.
Of course, there are certain symptoms which never appear with filariasis. And the doctor has been astounded at the control I've had over it: it began in the feet, I checked it there; it went higher, I checked it there; then it went higher still and I continued to control it. Finally, the other day, it tried to get into the arms, but it couldn't hold out – and last night there was a real riot!... (Mother laughs) So perhaps it's the deformation or transposition of some sort of mantric effort, like last time in '58 when there was an attempt to make me throw up all my blood but only food came out! It's probably something similar. My impression (I've had it from the start) is that they have made a try at thrombosis (you know, when something blocks the circulation). Besides, it seems that X asked the doctor if blood-poisoning might be involved, so he must have seen this possibility. There has been absolutely nothing of the kind, but there has been an effort to block the circulation in the veins, probably an “adaptation” of the magic attack. And along with this have come all the usual things: all the usual suggestions, all the usual “prophecies” [about Mother's departure].... But for me, these are the normal facts of life, that's all. I am used to it. It has no importance.
Do you really believe Z could be behind this magician you saw?
It could be.
I hadn't thought of it at all – not at all. I have seen Z's thoughts several times, but not in this form: very, very angry thoughts but simply trying to... catch my attention.4 But this was something else. X said it was Z, that's what X saw. He doesn't seem to have attached the slightest importance to my magician – obviously this person was just a screen. it must be someone who knows magic and is being used by another as an instrument. But when I saw it all this morning, I must say I didn't once think of Z. It's only X who said so.
But Z... I don't know how to explain my relationship with him. He is sheltered by a “light of benediction,” so.... When he was here I opened the doors for him to a realization he was incapable of having, something light years beyond him; and it gave him an appalling ambition, totally spoiling everything. From this point of view, it's a great blessing for him; even if he becomes a dreadful Asura, it will come to a good end! It doesn't matter, it's not important. That's why this morning, even when I heard what X said about Z, it was the same thing: this great Light of the supreme Mother going out towards Z. His magic is not important, but if he indulges in it, too bad for him. It doesn't concern me: it's X's business and X is doing what's necessary – and I believe (laughing) he hits hard!
When I came down this morning I didn't want my cold to disturb the meditation with X, and this immobility came (Mother brings down her fists, showing a solid mass descending). It's what he uses for healing and I must say that the same thing happens to me, even when it doesn't come from him: a Force that seizes everything, stops everything – no more vibrations, an immobility.
I had told N. to knock at the door when he arrived with X, but he didn't do it – luckily I heard the door opening. I stood up, still in that state... and almost fell over! X must have thought I was having a spell of weakness or something, because I was holding onto the arms of the chair, and when I took his flowers, my hands were trembling – I wasn't in my body. And afterwards, ah, what a concentration! We remained in it for about thirty-five minutes. It was SOLID – an extraordinary solidity! I didn't want to waste time waiting for it to subside before coming here, and you must have seen how I was when I arrived: like a sleepwalker! I said to the people I passed in the corridor, “I'm coming back, I'm coming back!” That's all I could say, like an idiot.
I wanted to tell you about this because it's an indication. It's better to say such things as soon as they happen, to be sure of being accurate.
This stupid cold... in the middle of the night. It was the start of the attack.
And now the door is open – that's not so good! (Satprem gets up to close the door.)
(Mother laughs) No! I'm not cold, I'm hot!
Yes, but there's a draft.
I'm hot! It's a congestion.
We'll see if last night's discovery has any results.... This cold was all I needed! It's absolutely ridiculous.
I didn't give it to you, did I?
Do you have a cold?
No... but a bit of a bad mood!
Yes, I noticed....
What use is a bad mood?
I'm a little overloaded by... too many things.
Too much work.
No, you shouldn't have to do this work.5
Who can do it, then? There is no one here. That's why I wish greater attention would be paid in publishing translations of Sri Aurobindo....
Yes, it's a problem. That's why I don't categorically tell you not to do it, because after all, he shouldn't be massacred!
Yes, I can't do it superficially, you understand. I can't, it's impossible for me.
No, but.... Well, we will try. You can't imagine how difficult things are now! You have to hold on tight: everything is difficult, everything. It's not an individual problem: everything is grating everywhere, as though there were sand in all the gears. And things are reaching a kind of climax now.
We simply have to hold on and endure – no movement. The remedy is the same as for an illness: no movement.6
It will pass.
I'm putting everything I can into your food – except my cold!
1 Mother means drawn by a force not his own.
2 The tantric guru.
3 Puja: ceremony, invocation or evocation of a god (in this case, a tantric ritual).
4 Z was Satprem's first guru when he became a sannyasi. Then Z tried to exert his control over Satprem and predicted to Mother that he would never remain in the Ashram. Finally Satprem broke with him and Z went away furious.
5 Satprem was trying to patch up some French translations of Sri Aurobindo done by well-meaning but not very gifted disciples, who of course wanted “to publish” at all costs.
6 This “massive immobility” Mother spoke of earlier.