September 5, 1970
The terrible Agenda
(Mother looks exhausted. She speaks with great difficulty, as if out of breath.)
Me, I have nothing to say; if you have something to ask, I can speak a little.
Mother pants for breath)
So then, what do you say?
Last time, when you spoke of that long period, you said that what happened was something prodigious and... almost “idiotic,” so simple is it – almost idiotic, you said.
I don't remember.
Prodigious and at the same time ...so simple that it's almost idiotic.
Only there was... For the first time, the brain was affected, in the sense that I had uncontrolled movements. I can manage to control them, but... it's very troublesome. And I spend absolutely sleepless nights, because of that. I am obliged to remain awake so that... But something happened – the day you came, which day was it?
Wednesday night, I was like that, lying down, without sleeping, when suddenly I saw a St. Peters1 in front of me, and from it rays were coming out towards me. So I understood they had done some magic. At the time, I was quite... (what shall I say?), as if... you know, as if desperate – I was tired and... When... (Mother takes her forehead in her hands and remains silent for a long time).
I can't speak, I am not used to speaking....
So I called him [Sri Aurobindo], I told him; then he told me, “But what does it matter to you! What can they do – they can't do anything, they have no force!” That was enough. And naturally, the Force came, but then it was a force... unbelievable! And it acted like this (crushing gesture) on the entire world, and I spent my night in a sort of white Power that kept repulsing and dealing blows.... At least six hours – six hours of a Power of domination as I had never felt.... But the body doesn't profit from it; that's the trouble, my body is in a state...
That [the experience of the white Power] I had never had in my whole life. For at least six or seven hours, a white Power sending back and as if... crushing things, you know.... Only, the body didn't seem to profit from it. The movements are almost under control – still one or two a day, like that – but the... That2 is over, it was like that and then it was over. It didn't come back.
But the body is so tired – it's not tired, of course: incapable!... Not that I try to do things and can't, it's that there is no will to try.
Yet, from the external standpoint, the doctor said that the best thing is to “do” something, some work; for instance, to signs photos, things like that, a mechanical work.
But it's... it's disgusting.
So, you see, it doesn't get cured (Mother touches her chest). It's better, but it doesn't get cured. I still have the same cough. It seems there's a lung infection (Mother touches the top of her chest on the left side).
You see, I am short of breath.
The thing is, I don't know... Sometimes the body is tired; that means it would like to cease. But that doesn't last, of course, only there is in the consciousness the fact that... It still has a very great energy – an energy, even force; but it's in... I don't know, in the consciousness, like a... It doesn't know what's expected of it: whether it's expected to find the energy to recover and live normally again, or else whether... it is to go like this (crumbling gesture). But then this [general disorganization] is disgusting, it's...
You understand, it's tired of the battle.
Satprem feels heartbroken)
There is around an atmosphere... a mixed and complex atmosphere of those who don't believe in the possibility of... It believes in the possibility of the prolongation of life, but not in these conditions – not this, it's absurd, of course, absurd!
One can't last like this, it's meaningless.
I clearly see that it depends on the condition, because at certain times I almost can't see anymore, while at other times I see almost clearly, and naturally... This (Mother points to her swollen left eye) is another accident, it seems it's emphysema.... There's a physical disorganization that's not tolerable. The doctors all say it's perfectly repairable.... So here's all I know – that it can recover completely. If it can recover completely, it's good. But...
The consciousness above (gesture above the head) hasn't changed, but... (Mother takes her forehead in her hands) the physical transmission isn't so good anymore. But that too, they say it can recover.
The state is like this: now there is a will, and so a progress obviously, now there is... as if a fatigue at effort.
That's how it is, all the time out of breath.
And then, earlier I would always take refuge in silence and concentration, but now this thing comes3 – that has been the biggest difficulty. In silence and concentration I could spend hours and hours and hours, but now those uncontrolled movements come, and... That's... That's really what saddened me, you understand?
(Satprem feels tears flow on his cheeks)
Because concentrated silence, I could spend twenty-four hours in it – that joy has been taken away from me.
(Mother takes soup packets near her and gives them to Satprem)
And I have great difficulty eating, a great difficulty.
(Then she goes into a long meditation, now quieter, now panting for breath; she emerges from it with a start4)
It's constantly like that.
(Mother changes her position and plunges in again, now panting, now quieted. She gives a start again, shakes her head, then pants for breath again with brief quieter moments.
Suddenly she sits up.)
And then the legs hurt.
(Sujata and Satprem try to massage lightly Mother's legs)
The legs hurt.
(long silence, now quieter, now visibly in pain, then Mother gives a start again)
That's what is tiring.... You see, twenty-four hours a day, no... no possibility of real rest. That's it.
If I let myself go, I would cry out.
But crying out brings no relief, it's worse.
Mother plunges in, then she gives a start again)
Terrible!... You know.... So that night, I said to myself, “Yes, this is how hell is.”
Terrible, it's terrible.
I don't see why I've had to go through this.... Because, you understand, that way, it was death that wasn't a solution. That was frightful.
(the clock strikes, Satprem lays his forehead on Mother's knees)
Tempted to say, pray for me.
(Mother has tears in her eyes) You know, it's like this, it's so horrible that it... I am tempted to say, pray for me.
(Satprem lays his head on Mother's knees, then goes to Sri Aurobindo's room)
1 Mother is referring to St. Peters Basilica of Rome, at the Vatican.
2 We assume that Mother is referring to the experience of the white Power.
3 These uncontrolled movements.
4 During all this meditation, Satprem was in such an intense prayer, and there seemed to be a luminous power, almost white, bluish, solid, with these words constantly rising in him, as if they came from this light, “We shall conquer, we shall conquer....”
5 Soon afterwards, Sujata reminded Satprem of these lines from Sri Aurobindo's poem, “A God's Labour”:
I have delved through the dumb Earth's dreadful heart
And heard her black mass' bell.
I have seen the source whence her agonies part
And the inner reason of hell....
Let us note that some time earlier, a disciple with noteworthy visions saw this: “Mother was descending, descending, sinking into the earth, then she was fully wrapped as if in a layer of carbon. Where she was there was light, but the thread connecting her to her Origin was very slender, a fine thread of light running through the layer of carbon. At times the contact was cut off, the thread disappeared, and Mother was in difficulty.”