January 8, 1972
What's new?... Feeling better?... No?...
I don't know. I don't quite understand what course we're following.
Why, I myself don't understand it at all! Simply... (Mother opens her hands in a gesture of surrender).
It isn't easy.
It isn't easy, but it's what I was telling you: both extremes. It isn't easy, but all of a sudden, for a few seconds, everything becomes wonderful, and then again.... So I'd rather not speak about it.
Now that I am here like this, in seclusion, the lowest nature of everyone comes out. They do things, thinking “Oh, Mother won't know.” That's how it is. So this “Mother won't know” means there's no more restraint. I would say it's rather disgusting.
People to whom I have said, “You can't stay in the Ashram” move in anyway. And nobody stops them. Not only that, but they go to the Auroville offices and try to direct things. I tell you... it has become really, really disgusting.
Because I am here, because I don't see so clearly anymore and my hearing isn't so good – so they take advantage of it.
People say that I am no longer in control in the Ashram, that those around me direct and do exactly as they please.
But it's not true.
Of course, it's not true!1
It's not true.
In terms of consciousness, the consciousness is FAR superior to what it was – that I know – but my expression is.... I no longer have any power of expression. And then, I never go out of this room, so they are all convinced that I won't know what's going on.
I prefer to.... You see, I would like to abolish this personality as much as possible, leaving only an external form. All the time, I would be... only a transmitting channel, like this (gesture of something flowing through Mother). And I don't even ask to be conscious of it.
I feel the Divine Presence all the time – all the time – very strongly, but....
And this is what happens: at times, in some cases, the Power is so tremendous, so potent that I myself am flabbergasted, while at other times I sense, not that the Power has gone, but... I just don't know what happens.
I don't know how to explain it.
And naturally people tell me, “You have cured me, you have saved so-and-so, you...” I almost perform miracles, but...
They think it's me, but there's no “me”! There's nothing, there's no “me” here; it's only... (gesture of something flowing through Mother) the Force flowing. I try, I only try not to block, not to check or diminish anything, that's my sole effort: let it go through me as impersonally as possible.
You're the only one I can say these things to – to the others I say nothing, absolutely nothing.
But you, I don't even know if you feel the same thing.... I don't know if you feel that the Power is here. Do you feel it?
Oh, yes! The Power, I feel it tremendously! Certainly. It is tre-men-dous.
But what is it that you don't feel, then? You seem to have a reservation. Tell me.
It all depends whether I am with you or away from you. When I'm away from you, possibly.... Well, my complaint has to do with a lack of presence, a presence that's... what's the word?
No, not that. I feel the Power, but... if I could feel something more in the heart, you understand, something more... intimate, something more vivid, less impersonal as a matter of fact.
Oh, that! Yes, I agree. But everything tends to insist on that impersonalization.
In my consciousness it is like a transitional condition (not a final condition, a transitional one) required to attain immortality. That's what it is. There is something – something to be found. But what, I don't know.
Mother shakes her head as if at a loss)
Well, the old way of seeing things (I don't mean the ordinary way), the old way of seeing things has sort of dissolved leaving the place for... everything to be learned anew (Mother opens her hands, attentive to what comes from above).
It's in the consciousness of the physical body, you know. A sort of... not even an alternation of states, it's as if both were constantly together: the sense that you know nothing and are completely impotent in terms of, well, the “present” way of doing and knowing things; and at the same time – at the very same time (not even one behind the other, or one in the other or beside the other; I just don't know how to put it in words) – at the same time, the sense of an absolute knowledge, an absolute power. And the two states are not in one another, not behind one another, or beside one another, they're... I don't know.... Both are there (simultaneous gesture).
I could almost say that it depends on whether I am according to others (by “I,” I mean this body), according to other human beings, or according to the Divine. That's it. And both states are ... (same simultaneous gesture).
It's very concrete. Take food, for example... the best example is food. The body needs food to live, yet everything in the body is a stranger to food. So meals are becoming an almost unsolvable problem.... To put it in a simplistic way, it's as if I no longer knew how to eat, although another way of eating comes spontaneously when I don't observe myself eating. Do you understand what I mean?
Yes, yes, Mother.
And the same applies to seeing, to hearing. I feet all my faculties diminishing. In that respect, it is true, I don't know what people are doing, saying or anything, but at the same time... At the same time – I have a MUCH TRUER perception of what they are, of what they think and do: of the world. A truer perception, but so new that I don't know how to describe it.
So... I am no longer this, but I am not yet the other. It's like this (gesture in between). Not easy.
And people's reactions (Mother holds her head between her hands) are so utterly false!...
(Mother plunges in)
1 How blind I was! in fact, I remained blind almost till the end. I could not bring myself to believe in the evidence.